Helen
Helen is an early years teaching assistant.
Her daughter Beth died in 2020.
“People think they can’t sing. But everybody loves to belt out a tune, whether they’re in the shower or the car.
I think, in that moment, you just transport yourself away. Whether you think you’re on stage in the West End or whatever. It gets you out of yourself.
With singing, you’re doing something for you, but you’re also producing something from it. You’re turning your pain into something positive.
Losing anyone is hard. Losing a child is unthinkable. And losing a child to suicide just completely skews it again. But at choir, you’re in a safe place. Everyone understands. We hold each other up.
We’re bound together by love now - love for the people we’ve lost, and love for each other too. I’ve made lifelong friends in such a short space of time.
Everything’s always bittersweet. Music is so powerful, and there are pieces of music I just can’t listen to. So many pieces of music that Beth sang or did dance routines to. Sometimes it just catches you on the hop.
Beth was a born performer. She was training to be a vocal artist; she’d just signed her first record deal.
I suppose by being in the choir, I can take a little bit of Beth forward. I can’t bring her back, but I can honour her by doing what she would be doing - what she should be doing.
At choir, we’ve all cried together - but on the flip side, we’ve all laughed together too. When you first lose someone - and definitely when you lose someone to suicide - you truly don’t think you’ll ever laugh again.
And yet we do.”
Frances
Frances is a cover manager at a secondary school.
Her son Joe died in 2020.
“I’ve got huge admiration for anyone who sings now. If someone comes on the radio and they’re singing in harmony, I’m just so impressed.
It was really daunting at first. I’ve got no background in singing at all. But everyone’s welcome - there’s no test, you don’t have to prove you can hold a note or anything.
I don’t take life for granted any more. I’ve seen things can happen any second. I’m not trying to say I’m living my best life or anything - I’m not sure that I am. But I am trying to be positive, otherwise it’s two lives wasted.
I want to tell Joe’s story. I don’t want Joe to be defined by how he died. I want to be as positive as I can be. Singing the songs we sing makes me feel closer to him.
Our choir master chooses a mixture of songs. Survival songs. Uplifting songs. We sing Fight Song by Rachel Platten and Wonder by Natalie Merchant - there’s lots of positive ones.
For me, the one that resonates the most is You Are The Reason. It’s very emotional, and we sing it really beautifully now - or I think we do. But it’s also very difficult - I don’t think any of us could sing it at first without having a moment.
When we perform it, we’re singing to the people we’ve lost. We’re saying ‘You are the reason we’re still here’.
We want to give people hope. We want to say to other people who are suffering, ‘You can survive this.’”
Catherine
Catherine is a teaching assistant.
Her son Daniel died in 2022.
“In the choir, people have lost mums, dads, partners, children. We’re grieving different people, but we’re united.
I call us Grief Warriors. We’ve got a WhatsApp group; we’re on the other end of the phone. If someone goes quiet, we send a message. We’re lifting each other up out of the worst thing imaginable. We all know this journey, and it’s up and down.
In a world where a lot of people don’t get it, just to be around people who understand…it’s a lifeline. It’s my therapy, my safe place. It feels like coming home.
I’ve started learning the piano, too. I’d always wanted to, and after Daniel died I thought ‘I’m just going to do it.’ I’ve got my keyboard and a music teacher gifted me a lesson every week.
It’ll take me years because I’ve never learned to read music, but I don’t care. Learning the songs takes me out of my own headspace. It’s a distraction, and it’s positive.
You can’t fix suicide grief. In a way, it’s like being reborn. You go on this journey of learning how to exist again. And it teaches you a lot of lessons.
I tell people, if you love someone, let them know.
Losing Daniel put everything in perspective: the only thing that’s important is family and love. And good friends who don’t try to fix it, but will sit with you in your darkest hour.
Friends who’ll just sit with you. And sing with you.”
—
Shortly after being interviewed for Projecting Grief, Catherine died suddenly. She is so missed by her family and choir friends.
The Sing Their Name choir is based in Greater Manchester for people bereaved by suicide. You can follow them on Twitter/X or find out more through the NHS Greater Manchester Bereavement Service.
Written by Laura McDonagh