Sarah
Sarah is a visual artist based in Leeds.
She lost her brother, her mum and her dad in the space of three years.
“I like to make beautiful things because it’s like pain relief.
Part of my dealing with the death and trauma is the sunshine stuff. It’s getting dressed up, the celebration, the good times. It’s a travel stop for the weariness that we feel, it’s going to a club or bar, having a drink, listening to music and dancing. It’s what I like to do.
In death a world has ended; a person that knows all that stuff about you and has seen you growing up and all their experiences of the world – gone.
You’re left with a massive void.
After Georgie died my mum went on slow suicide and was dead within a year. My dad, who had grumbled about her forever and had his secret life, was completely bereft; I think he was shocked about how much it hit him. He was gone by the following year.
It was shock after shock after shock. Body blows. Being shot in the mind.
I was really in the flow with the flower stuff and was working on one of the biggest pictures I’d ever done - it was beautiful. When Georgie died I threw handfuls of red paint at it and completely changed it. It went from being a flower bomb to being called Chocolate Box Massacre.
“I painted all the time after that. These beautiful explosions of wonderful floral relief”
I painted all the time after that. These beautiful explosions of wonderful floral relief.
It’s a compulsion, it’s something I have to do. It’s fulfilling a thirst – it’s like a hunger, you’re feeding yourself with something that takes your mind elsewhere, your heart and your mind being driven through the hand. Stopping your head going into those signs of anxiety and pain.
Coming out of the darkness.
I’ve got other stuff in workbooks – loads and loads of faces. I make faces up because people scare me a bit really. A bird’s not going to judge me. A blackbird’s not going to start pecking at my window saying ‘you’ve got my fucking beak wrong!’
There’s a lot of stuff that doesn’t go out there - it’s just for me and my private dark moments. I don’t know if I want to bring that to other people. Even though I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can talk about it all, I have secretive side as well.
Like my dad and his secret life.
People like my work – they tell me they stare at it, get lost in it and it makes them feel better.
I think I’ve pulled something together out of my chaos.
Art helps me to manage myself because eventually you have to don’t you?”