Freya
Freya is a writer. In 2023, she published The Tidal Year, a memoir about grief, swimming and sisterhood.
Her brother Tom died in 2016.
“There was something about swimming groups I didn’t know I needed. There’s a lot of women; an atmosphere of care.
Someone will pass you their flask of tea. Someone will let you stand on their towel to get dry. Looking back, I wanted to be looked after but I didn’t want to ask.
One woman said to me, “What’s your story? Everyone has a story for why they swim.”
Divorce, break-up, addiction. They need to be outdoors; to keep themselves well. They need that sense of community.
The kindness of strangers. That’s what drew me back.
People said to me, “Oh, I felt like the book drifted into a love story halfway through.”
But loss is not a contained experience. It’s happening at the same time as everything else.
In tandem. Alongside.
Maybe the people who lived that experience of Tom dying with me wanted the book to be intensely grief focused.
But for me as a young woman living with grief, it was important that it touched on friendship, sex, finding my place in the world.
What happens when you’re grieving and you’re trying to find your creative voice?
What happens when you’re falling in love?
“You can’t express grief and love with logic.
You need to process them with art.”
When I did the book proposal, I had to include a future I hadn’t lived yet.
I thought being able to communicate with my sister better would make a satisfying ending, so I wrote that. But then I got to the end and I still didn’t have the courage to have a really honest conversation with her.
So I just sent her the book.
Suddenly, we had a new way to communicate. She’d highlight bits and say ‘I felt the same’ or ‘It wasn’t quite like that for me.’ Or she’d just send some heart emojis.
I think a lot of us would like to do grief better in our families. But maybe there is no perfect way.
We’re all just trying our best.
You hinge everything on this big creative project.
But I’ve done the work, I’ve written 80,000 words and I’m still not fixed. It’s still fucking terrible.
Seven years in, there are days where I feel good. I feel OK, and that’s a reminder of how far I am from Tom.
And now in some ways, I wish I could go back to that intensity to be close to him.
I used to be really scared of having a baby or getting married because those things would make me hurt again.
Now I’m at a place where I’m excited for it to hurt. I want new ways to experience my grief.
Why do we write? Because the story burns a hole.
It’s still all about grief for me. It might always be my thing
I used to think that meant I wasn’t a writer - just a bereaved person with a pen. But now I’m OK with that.
You can’t express grief and love with logic. You need to process them with art.
And that’s not exclusive to people with a publishing deal; the gift is in the storytelling.
Maybe it’s just for you. Maybe it’s a place to meet all of your feelings that are ugly and not allowed.
What might be possible if you stopped shaming yourself for your emotions?”
You can read more about Freya on her website or follow her on Instagram. You can purchase The Tidal Year here.
Thanks to Portishead Lido for the location.
Written by Laura McDonagh