Chris
Chris lost his dad to cancer in 2019.
He wrote a one-man show ‘How To Be A Better Human’.
“I want to spend a bit of time with my dad.
I can’t pick up the phone and ask his advice, but I can remember a meal we had in Greece on holiday when I was 15 or I can imagine him in a room.
And I can write about him.
Writing the show gave me another way to process grief ‘here’s everything I’m thinking right now, here’s how shit I feel’.
There’s a whole thing about men not talking about their mental health – I go against that gender stereotype in general, but to have a reason to share those things is useful.
I went to visit Dad and as we were leaving my Mum grabbed me and told me he was dying and there was just that moment. That immediate moment of finding out that news; what your brain does and the somersaults it goes through.
I wrote a poem about it called Bereavement Services which is the feeling of staggering out of the hospital and trying to find my car, and putting money in a parking meter and thinking ‘what the hell is going on here?’ Staring through the windscreen and just being in this little bubble on my own and not being touched by anybody around me.
One thing that’s come out of writing the show is how useful humour is in dealing with such things. A lot of funny stuff happened when Dad was dying and I wanted to look at the weird stuff that happens in that period – the stuff that nobody talks about. Sometimes the responses I needed from people were the kind of responses that you would never ask somebody for if you were trying to plan it rationally.
There was a palliative care nurse who came round - it was the last few hours and Dad didn’t have any words at this point just noises. She said she’d sort a catheter out and Dad made this noise – he was clearly so angry at the thought of having a catheter. She leaves and in the space of time that she’s away, Dad dies. She comes back, looks at him and says ‘well he really didn’t want that catheter did he?’
It was perfect.
The first time I sat down to re-read I just wept. Uncontrollably for a good hour.
It’s still an emotional show for me. I am back there, and I can feel that room and how closed and tight it felt, and I can smell the fabric conditioner that was on his clothes when I hugged him. All those little sensations just fly back.
I think it’s been very cathartic.
“It took the place that therapy would normally have taken – sitting down with a page instead of sitting down with a person”
Since writing the show I’ve rebuilt myself and I’ve thought about who I am and what I want instead of what other people want. That’s a new experience in itself.
I always had to be a performer or funny or the clown or good at a sport - we spend all this time trying to be a better human and actually it’s ok to just be.
And that’s probably the best solution.
“How To Be A Better Human’ is at Edinburgh Festival 2022 and on tour in Autumn 2022.
Written by Faye Dawson