Beverley

Bev is an actor and creative practitioner based in Norfolk.

After her son, Jess, died by suicide, she created a series of short films and theatre shows focusing on loss, grief, magic and love.

 
 

“When Jess died I thought, I need to start dancing again. That was my happy place as a little girl.

One of the women at the dance school said to me, “I’ve watched you dance and you really live it.”

For me, it was a way of exercising, or exorcising. Shifting those emotions around a bit and letting them out.

Now, at 8am every morning, I dance online. Sometimes there are no words, but your body can say it. It gives me life on those days when I don’t want to get up. I get up and dance.

 
 
 

When I was pregnant with our Sam, my eldest, I created a show called Nellie. It was about my grandma and her childhood in the fishing community in Hull.

I had this realisation that she wasn’t going to be around forever and I loved her so much. She considered herself such an ordinary woman, but to me she was extraordinary.

We had her voice telling the story. We toured community centres and they organised pie and pea suppers. She was quite shy but by the end she was waving like the Queen.

I guess that’s probably where the idea of creating work about people I love came from.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

“Creativity is keeping me alive. That’s probably why I’ve created so many pieces. ”

 
 
 

If I’d had my way, there wouldn’t have been a funeral. I would have taken Jess home and he would have just stayed with me forever and ever.

I guess I staged it from beginning to end. I planned it - not just me, the boys’ dad, too, and Sam - but I had a clear idea of how it might be.

We had a friend play the piano and sing songs from the musicals. I asked the congregation to stand and sing Razzle Dazzle and that’s when the confetti came down.

We gave him a good send off. It was the send-off that he deserved. Everything screamed Jess.

He didn’t go quietly.

 
 
 
 

Five Days To Say Goodbye was shown at Norwich Puppet Theatre on the first anniversary of his death.

After the funeral I wanted those five days with Jess in the funeral home back. That’s what I did, really; I brought them back. Those precious days - they’re there in the film.

 
 
 
 
 

I was in trauma for 18 months if I’m honest. There was also the reality that I’m a freelance creative. I couldn’t afford to take time off. I spent the first year travelling up and down the country on various jobs.

I wrote a lot of it in my head driving. It brought me closer to him.

Creativity is keeping me alive. That’s probably why I’ve created so many pieces.

 
 
 

Writing Finding Magic helped me find my own magic again.

It reminded me how much creativity and performance is essential to my wellbeing. And I love the visual aspect of magic.

I’ve set up a community interest company called Finding Magic to help other people to find their magic.

Some people set up charities. Some people run marathons. I wonder what it must be like for people who don’t have that creative release. I consider myself very fortunate.

 
 
 

Whatever the creative medium - magic, dance, clowning, it might not be words - it’s because I feel I have something to say.

It’s almost as if I don’t have a choice.

I’ll find a way because I will not die - and I will make sure I live a good life.”

 

Find out more about Bev’s films, theatre shows and creative work here.

Thanks to Hull Truck Theatre for the venue.

Written by Laura McDonagh