Amber
Amber is a podcaster, content creator and facilitator at The Grief Gang.
Her mum died in 2016 and her friend Poppy died in 2023. Poppy was featured on Projecting Grief in 2022.
“I had this Eureka moment lying on a sunbed on holiday listening to a grief podcast. I thought ‘Maybe I could have a crack at that.’
I didn’t want followers or accolades. I was just desperate to find people who understood. I thought, if I could just find another motherless daughter, that would be cool.
When I got home, I set up the Instagram page and started brain dumping everything I’d been holding back. It’s all still there to this day: my digital diary. And it started gaining traction across the country, then across the world. People were saying, ‘Yeah, I have that experience too.’
It shifted my thinking from desperation to fascination. I was so intrigued by how we cope - and how we don’t cope - with grief. I don’t know where I’d be without Grief Gang. I think I’d still be very angry, very isolated, tearing down my relationships.
I never really thought of myself as a creative person, but now I know creativity is this huge umbrella. It’s not just about ‘the artist’ or ‘the musician’. It’s thinking of twenty different ideas for an episode, different angles to take.
I thought I’d run out of things to say. But I don’t think I’ve even dented the surface yet.
“I feel closest to her when I’m being creative - When I’m not being bogged down by what I think I should be doing. ”
Poppy’s was the first other grief account I found online. I thought, ‘Oh my God, she’s articulating everything I think and feel.’
We started speaking in comments and DMs. Our parents died in the same year - Jock, Poppy’s dad, died in April, my Mum died in June - and we’d both started our grief accounts that year, too.
I turned up at her Griefcase meeting on Brick Lane one night. I didn’t realise it was a 6pm hard start - all the other ones I’d been to were more informal - and I was two hours late.
There were 20 people sitting around this long table. It was all very sombre, very peaceful - and I came in like a bulldozer. I sat down at one end of this long table and she was at the other so we were head to head. I thought, fuck, this is so emotional, so sacred. I’ve totally disrespected it. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
Poppy said, ‘Amber, would you like to speak?’ I thought, Oh God, she’s got me now. I told my story from beginning to end and I just went for it. I bawled and I bawled. There was no stifling; no one putting their hand on my back and saying ‘It’s OK’.
It was like a purging. And it was magical.
It became a real friendship. It felt like we could do anything. Every minute of it was such fun.
After your first big loss, you think you’ve almost got this weird insurance policy that stops anyone else around you from dying.
That’s what was so shocking with Poppy. She was one of us, she should have been protected. But no one’s ‘safe’. It’s a wake-up call to see someone you love die at 36.
For me, it’s like I’ve gone back to 2016. It’s such a transitional time in my life again - going self-employed, navigating this new grief. Poppy played such a huge part in helping me understand and heal the grief with my mum - and now I’m grieving again. If Poppy’s not here, what does that look like?
Poppy was a creative in the deepest meaning of the word. It carried through into every aspect of her life. How she balanced her business and different projects. It wasn’t always easy but she found a way.
She’s the only person I want to talk to about going through this new chapter. I’m always asking myself what would Poppy say or do? I guess I had an excellent teacher - except I didn’t realise at the time, and she didn’t either.
All Poppy would have wanted if she was here would be to feel the grass between her toes. The simple things. I want to ground myself in that.
Emails need to be answered, things need to be done. But finding that balance is really important. I want to remember to have fun; to live as daringly as Poppy.
I feel closest to her when I’m being creative - when I’m baking her recipes or having a go at papercutting. When I’m not being bogged down by what I think I should be doing.
When I’m leading with my heart. She always led with her heart.”
You can find out more about the Grief Gang via their website, or follow The Grief Gang or Amber on Instagram.
Written by Laura McDonagh